FROM THE DESK OF CERSEI LANNISTER, QUEEN REGENT QUEEN MOTHER QUEEN OF THE SEVEN KINGDOMS:
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May 28, 2015
They found these papers scattered on Cersei's desk
FROM THE DESK OF CERSEI LANNISTER, QUEEN REGENT QUEEN MOTHER QUEEN OF THE SEVEN KINGDOMS:
Agenda
- Wake-up wine
- Meeting w/Littlefinger
- Power wine
- Meeting w/Lady Olenna (pretend to be busy)
- Lunch (w/wine) and latest severed dwarf-head inspection
- Loras’s inquest (☺)
- Winding-down wine
- Pre-sleep scheming/self-satisfied smirking
- Nightcap
- Torturing Tyrells
- Ways to make small council smaller
- Decrees to tell Tommen to sign
- Worst Warden of the North: Ned Stark or Roose Bolton?
- Best-tressed monarch: Me or Margaery?
- Maggy the Frog’s prophecy
- Feeding the poor
- Paying back the Iron Bank of Braavos
- Littlefinger’s loyalty
- How the High Sparrow feels about adultery/incest/kingslaying/slaughtering Baratheon bastards
Eligible Male Lannisters
- Jaime — On a sensitive diplomatic mission; kind of over him.
- Tyrion — Trying to kill him.
- Lancel — Gave up incest for Lent.
- Tyrek/Gerion — Missing, probably dead.
- Stafford/Martyn/Willem — Definitely dead.
- Tommen — Ew, even for me.
- Daven – Giant beard, but probably my only option at this point. Invite him to visit.
- Get grapes instead. Make servant stomp on them. Then … wait a while? Not totally sure how wine works. Ask Qyburn.
- Convince High Sparrow to say storing wine is a sin; send Faith Militant to confiscate casks.
- Marry into House Redwyne. Pros: Unlimited Arbor Gold; like the sound of “Cersei Redwyne.” Cons: Would be related to Lady Olenna.
- Declare war on Dorne. He who controls the wine, controls the universe.
- Join the Night’s Watch. Cold and uncomfortable, but they make mulled wine.
Low point: Tie between Roose Bolton’s betrayal and Lady Olenna not noticing that my line about veiled threats was a joke about the veil she’s always wearing.
Ben Lindbergh
May 24, 2015
Everyone asks, “Where’s Gendry?”
This is a popular question! Gendry, as you will recall, is perhaps the last living bastard of the late King Robert Baratheon. After being taken to Dragonstone and used by Melisandre for his king-positive bodily fluids, Gendry was rescued from the dungeons by Davos, who placed the young blacksmith in a rowboat. Davos gave Gendry a pack with bread and water, advised him not to stop at Rook’s Rest or fall out of the boat, and told him the general direction that would, if the Seven be good, bring him back to King’s Landing after a journey of several days.
quartermaster.info
So, where’s Gendry? Possible answers:
1. He drowned. Gendry had never been in a boat before Davos placed him in one, and he cannot swim. He is being asked to make a multiday solo rowboat journey. There’s a really excellent chance he’s down below with the Drowned God right about now.
2. He made it to King’s Landing. Assuming the weather held out and Gendry knew where he was going, we’re talking about a journey that would take three days and nights,1 give or take, of ROWING. Straight-up rowing all day and night FOR THREE DAYS. For Gendry to actually make it back to King’s Landing, he’d need good weather, he’d need his bag of bread and water to last him, and he’d need to not get tired/confused/fall asleep. I think it’s a long shot that he made it to King’s Landing.
3. He’s on Driftmark. It’s the closest land to Dragonstone, so you have to consider it. Problem: Driftmark is the seat of House Velaryon, who are vassals to Stannis. If he had landed here, we’d likely have heard about it.
4. He landed somewhere between the dotted lines on the Crownlands coast. Say you’re in a boat for the first time ever. You’ve been pulling at the oars like a deck slave for 48 straight hours. Your hands are raw blisters interspersed with fingers. Your arms are quivering bundles of pain with the tensile strength of cooked ramen noodles. As a first-time sailor, not used to the discipline that solo sea journeys require, maybe you drank all your water on the first day. You’ve been warned not to stop at Rook’s Rest, but you’re past there now and though you’re not sure exactly where you are, you’re tired and thirsty and you see land stretched out behind you and you really want to get out of this boat.
From Volantis to Meereen: A Travel Plan
Ben Lindbergh: Let’s say, hypothetically,
that you had to transport a critically tannin-deprived prisoner from
Volantis to Meereen, where your unrequited queen-crush awaits. Which way
would you go? (Asking for an exiled friend.)
There are three routes available, all of them dangerous for different reasons. We’ll measure their distances in lengths of the Wall, each of which represents a span of 300 miles and looks like this:
Shortest Route: The Demon Road
‘The Lands of Ice and Fire’
Distance: 3.5 Walls
Travel Advisory From the Essos Tourism Board: “We will lose half the company to desertion if we attempt that march and bury half of those who remain beside the road.”
This is the shortest path between the two points, a little more than a thousand miles as the raven flies. That’s the appealing part. The unappealing part is that the raven will probably be flying to tell your friends and family that you died on the demon road. It’s not clear why the demon road gets such low slaver satisfaction scores — probably because of brigands, the tragic termination of the Valyrians’ Adopt-a-Highway program, and the terrible things the dry desert air does to delicate complexions — but everyone in Essos agrees that roadwise, it’s pretty much the pits. We can’t rule out the possibility that the road is getting a bad rap: Maybe one guy had a demonic experience and the nickname stuck. All I know is that this is the nicest sentence ever spoken about the demon road: “[It] might be it’s not as perilous as men say.” And here’s an example of something men say: “The demon road is death.” So, going this way might not mean guaranteed death — that’s the demon road’s upside.
Moreover, Meereen, unlike death, won’t come quickly. This
is an overland route, so while it’s direct, it’s also slow. And there
won’t be any way to hide a famous face, particularly one attached to
Westeros’s most wanted dwarf.
Fastest Route: The Smoking Sea
Distance: 6 Walls
Travel Advisory From the Essos Tourism Board: “No free man would willingly sign aboard a ship whose captain spoke openly of his intent to sail into the Smoking Sea.”
Lannister family fun fact: The Casterly Rockers and the Smoking Sea have a history, and it hasn’t been a happy one. Tywin’s brother Gerion had all of the apathy toward politics, sense of humor, and affection for Tyrion that the head of the house lacked. Sadly, when Tyrion was 18, his cool uncle left to look for Lannister trinkets in Valyria. Half of Gerion’s crew deserted in Volantis, so he replaced them with slaves and set course for the Smoking Sea. He hasn’t been seen since, unless it was with late-stage greyscale, in which case it would have been kind of hard to tell.
Even if the sea isn’t actually smoking, the migrating dragons don’t stop to dine, and the Doom was a onetime thing, Valyria is still stone men central. On the other hand, the scenery is nice if you’re into overgrown ruins, and since no one else is stupid enough to sail anywhere near here, you won’t run into traffic.
Safest Route: The Summer Sea
Distance: 8 Walls
Travel Advisory From the Essos Tourism Board: “Corsairs and pirates hunt the southern route. … The next storm could sink or scatter us, a kraken could pull us under … or we might find ourselves becalmed again, and die of thirst as we wait for the wind to rise.”
You will have to pass through the Gulf of Grief, which sort of spoils the Summer Sea’s nonthreatening name, but the long way around is the safest possible path. Even so, there’s an excellent chance that you won’t make it to Meereen unmolested. Remember to buy a money belt before you knock out the nearest fisherman, steal his boat, and set sail.
This itinerary’s slightly decreased risk of death does come with a trade-off: 2,400 miles is a long way to sail, especially while you’re wondering whether your heart’s desire is still single, whether you’ll find her in a merciful mood or a murderous one, and whether you’ve seen the last of that hot hand-on-cheek action. No, come on, focus — you can’t think like that. She might be playing hard to get, but it’s not like she’s going to marry someone else while you’re on the way. Just take this trip one mile at a time.